What should a lesbian look for in a man?

I wrote this for the Guardian, in 2012, and I reckon it's still good for a laugh

A Hong Kong tycoon is offering £40m to the man who can woo his lesbian daughter. She could think of the dosh and go for it

I used to joke to my friends that the only disadvantage of being a lesbian was missing out on all those toasters and crockery sets for wedding presents, but with the introduction of civil partnerships my world really is complete.

But wait! Far more luxury items could be coming the way of one particular lesbian if only she would see sense and marry a man. Cecil Chao Sze-tsung, a Hong Kong tycoon, has offered £40m to any man who can win the heart of his lesbian daughter, according to the South China Morning Post. Gigi, however, is already taken, having apparently married her partner of seven years, Sean Eav, in France recently. But the union is not legal in China, so she is, in law, single.

Chao seeks a kind-hearted and generous man for his daughter, whom he describes as talented and good looking, adding that she is devoted to her parents. I have to say, he is not going overboard with his marketing strategy, but perhaps the £40m suffices?

My first thought on reading this story was that Gigi could collude with a gay male friend who would present himself to the father as a man that likes a challenge and offer to turn his daughter to the joys of beard rash. After a few Mills & Boon-like reluctant trysts, Gigi would tearfully admit to her father that she had fallen for her handsome prince and they would split the dosh, perhaps spending her half on an island to be used exclusively for lezzers, their quad bikes and tattoo parlours. His would undoubtedly be squandered on Paul Smith outfits and holidays in Mykonos.

Bearing in mind that the beaus will be queuing round the block to woo Gigi, perhaps she should bite the bullet and think of the dosh. This is what I would look for in a man if it were I in this position:

• He is off sex permanently and severely allergic to Viagra

• He is so honourable that he insists on drawing up a will that leaves every penny of his fortune to me, and we open a joint bank account

• Because I will be a recovering lesbian in need of daily therapy, he understands that my time will be taken up with back-to-back Hasbian Anonymous groups and I will barely be home. Often the sessions will be organised as overnight retreats with other women fighting similar demons

• In order to ease the difficult transition for me from lezzer to housewife, he agrees to behave in a manner conducive to my former life, such as coming with me to women's tennis tournaments, KD Lang concerts and films about lesbian couples buying turkey basters in Ikea, in which we cry and argue every Saturday afternoon

• He will be suitably attired in classic lezzer wear such as a tool belt and singlet at all times

• He buys several cats and allows them to sleep in the bed

Mykonos. With Cats

It is kind of Chao to pay so much of his fortune towards helping his daughter see the light, but I am moved to offer him a few words of advice as to how he could better spend the £40m. How about setting up retreats in beautiful surroundings around the world for unfortunate lesbians to take holidays, during which they can reflect on the errors of their ways while sipping champagne and soaking up the sun? Visiting men could turn up at regular intervals to pitch themselves at the women, just like those fellas that try to sell you double-glazing. After all, if it turns just one woman straight, Chao can be sure his fortune was well spent.