Garbage I wrote for the Guardian

The first of a series of articles published in the rag that are so meaningless and vacuous, they are actually worth reading. First up, a review of The Butch Cookbook

[For no good reason except they are lesbians playing football in the old days]

Food is a difficult issue for lesbians. The assumption that we are all vegetarian, or even macrobiotic, can lead to some awful meals cooked for us by heterosexuals. A US book, to be published later this year, is set to make matters even more complicated.

By Lee Lynch, Sue Hardesty, Nel Ward

The Butch Cookbook, edited by "two butches and a femme" - Lee Lynch, Sue Hardesty and Nel Ward - is a collection of recipes "for the butch on her own, or the butch cooking for a femme who doesn't cook or is not in the mood". (The terms "butch" and "femme" to describe lesbians are old-fashioned, but there still exists a thriving subculture that celebrates the old ways.)

There is a similarity between this book and those aimed at men who do not know how to boil an egg. In the authors' world, any good butch will have a beautiful femme on her arm, who, every now and again, needs to be allowed to put her feet up. The recipes, sent in after appeals on various lesbian websites, will help the butch understand how the oven actually works.

So what is butch cookery? Think men on a sizzling bank holiday, firing up the BBQ, cooking huge burgers slathered with cheese, while a 50s-style housewife in beehive and heels sips Babycham and talks to her friends about her new dishwasher. It's not all big-boy food, though. There are apple pie cake and ham and asparagus crepes too.

Most of the recipes include a section entitled "The Femme Responds": tips on how the recipe can be "tweaked" for different tastes ("use more apples, more cinnamon, less allspice"), what the guests thought about the dish, and what she did wrong.

In the meantime, I have to admit to being confused. As the cook in my household, am I supposed to learn the recipe for hot dog on a raft (two slices of bread, two hot dogs, two slices of American cheese, butter or margarine)? On the other hand, perhaps there is no need for me to worry. As one lesbian said, when asked by the editors to send in a recipe, "Butch is so last year."

• First published in the Guardian Newspaper on May 17th 2007