Dr. Dame Katy Denise CH GBE 🏳️‍⚧️🇳🇬🪑

Dame Katy is a proud TransBiPanLesbian, crowned Ms Grimsby in 1982. A psychic and former stripper with a PHD in Cat Psychiatry & Rodent Gender Studies. I am thrilled to publish my interview with her

Dame Katy in Lidl, browsing the American Tan tights

My first question to you is this, when did you first realise that you had to fight for trans-animals, as well as trans men and women and the wider LGBTQQI2Spirit+ community?

First all may I say what an honour it is to be interviewed by the great Julie Burchill, I’ve been a huge fan of yours for literally months Julie. You’re a lot plainer than I thought you’d be, but I do like that in a womxn – nondescript, non-threatening. Any womxn would be happy to leave their husband in your company and know you’re not a threat. I do like that blouse you’ve got on too; I had a go at making my own clothes once when I was commoner, I was no good at it either.

So in answer to your question, I’ve always had an affinity for the gender queer animal community. I remember as a child I had a non binary rescue ferret called Maz, sadly zi had spent the last few years of zir life being forced down the trousers of elderly Northern men – literally invalidating zir’s identity. I knew then that I must act. As a psychic I often receive messages from animals that have passed over too; I once got a very distressing message from Michael Jackson’s chimp Bubbles who transitioned just before her death and was living happily in a static caravan in Whitby. Many folx say that I am touched with a gift; every time I walk down the street some fan will shout to me ‘Dame Katy – you’re touched!’.

Pregnant trans-women are treated with gross indignity, something I have learned from you. How do we force the medical profession to learn more about this topic?

The medical profession is trying Julie, really trying. But with the introduction of rainbow lanyards and pronouns pins they are heading in the right direction. I do feel money is channelled in the wrong direction though. Its either ‘cancer’ this or ‘cancer’ that – not once have I head a letter inviting me for a smear test. As for pregnant men, in the last 20 years the number of men giving birth has literally sky rocketed. I think we’ve got to stop with gendered language like ‘Maternity Unit’ & ‘Mother & Baby’ groups too; these are out dated terms and the sort of thing Hitler made reference to in Mein Kampf.

Lately, you have turned your attention to chairs – I feel ashamed to admit this, but I had no idea that trans-women were denied the human rights of sitting on the sofas, armchairs, or even deck chairs. How did this come about? How can cis women alleviate the suffering of our proud trans sisters?

I’m glad you asked this Julie, I’ve been recognised for my work in this field hence the Damehood. I was actually put forward for this by Prince Andrew, I’ve know him for many years now, he used to give me a lift to school when my parent’s tandem was having its service. Old ‘Octopus hands Andy’ we used to call him down Spearmint Rhino. When bigots and Mumsnet users spout their usual ‘what rights to Trans people not have’ I point them to the millions of womxn who are living in chair poverty, literally sat on the floor, cold, afraid with testicles riddled with pressure sores. I first noticed this pandemic on Facebook, I’d log on and daily there would be friends and the recently released staring back at me, looking like Geoff Capes in a Bon Marche dress clinging to a shag pile. I couldn’t turn away Julie, I knew I had to do something. For years I would just take, take, take, I was well know for it – but I had change of heart and decided to give back. The first thing I did was nip round to India Willoughby’s and leave a freshly made stool on her doorstep, you ought to see her face!

I think she was happy, mind you her face doesn’t move that much so its hard to tell.

Dame Katy’s passport photograph

You have written beautifully about your shenis. Many of us have been moved to tears at your description of how this elegant body part can often be mistaken for a man’s schlong. I know you had to have treatment for Complex PTSD following such bullying, and wondered if there is a crowd fund for cis women to help you recover from such abuse?

Not as such. But I am happy to take Greggs gift cards. The thing is Julie the female penis is now being used as weapon to bash Trans womxn with and its getting really messy. It’s all about education, the young are fully onboard, it’s the elderly who need to grasp the shenis and tackle it head on. I often drop in on the old folx at my local Nursing home. They love hearing about my gender journey, I always bring up my shenis and we knock it around for a bit. We just need to raise awareness and get everyone talking about it, I won’t be happy until my shenis has been on the lips of every pensioner in this country!

One major human rights obstacle you write about is trans-women going through airport security. Are you confident of the law will be changed in the near future so this is no longer a requirement? I have heard of several occasion when a trans-woman’s shenis was mistaken for a lump of Semtex.

To be completely honest with you Julie I think the pendulum has swung too far regarding airport security. You can’t take anything on these days. Last time I went to Tenerife I was hauled into the security office as an over zealous guard claimed I had a suspicious package concealed; that guard frisked me for a good 15 minutes and didn’t find a sausage! I did have a load of fags with me but they said I couldn’t take them on; homophobes!

As a 61-year-old lesbian, I have long been considering hiring a trans-woman to act as surrogate for me and to help me start a beautiful queer family. Might you avail yourself personally? I would happily buy you 40 Benson & Hedges and a few litres of Strongbow.

You’re a lesbian!?! What!?! I am shocked! Next you’ll be telling me Sandi Toksvig is! I’m afraid I can’t help you Julie, I’ve been stung before and I hope you don’t mind me saying, you’re a little too old in the tooth to start a family. Call me old fashioned by I’ve always though a child should have a mother and father, you can’t bring up baby subjecting them to endless repeats of Prisoner Cell Block H or your KD Lang DVD’s. Why don’t you adopt? I did. A 27 year old fella from Ghana.

Have you regretted employing JK Rowling as your admin assistant? Can we look forward to Tribunal Tweets covering a case of constructive dismissal in the near future?

Don’t mention that womxn’s name to me. I rue the day I ever met her. Lambrini Lil we call her. I’ve known her off and on for the last 30 years, we used to pass on the topless darts circuit, I got her a job at the strip club I was working at. Big mistake! At the time I was a budding writer and had hit on the idea for erotic fiction for 3-7 year olds, an untapped market I thought. I left the manuscript in my locker for ‘Hairy Spotter and the Secret Glory Hole’. Needless to say when I returned after a long shift, the manuscript was gone and so was Lil! The rest is history. Due to mouthing off about womxn’s rights online I’d heard she was on the breadline so I offered her a job at my office. Day one she turns up, reeking of Cherry Lambrini wearing a ‘I love Idi Amin’ T shirt. I never got one day’s work out of her. If she wasn’t on the phone to QVC she was in the stationary cupboard. I’m not being funny Julie but I know I didn’t get through 24 bottles of Tippex in one week and that’s a fact! Sadly I had to let her go for calling the Vicar a buck toothed c**t. I wouldn’t have minded but he was midway through my Aunt’s funeral eulogy at the time.

Is there a local chair bank you can point me to? I have at least four wooden kitchen chairs that I would like to donate to trans-women only.

If its those chairs you sent me a photo of earlier Julie I’m going to have to politely decline. It would take blow torch to get some of those stains off. If you’ve got the odd chunky pouffe spare I might be interested.

Being interviewed by me, in her caravan in Skegness