Cruising for a Bruising

How did Julie Bindel and Suzanne Moore cope with being trapped on a boat together for a whole week? Did sparks fly? Or is sisterhood THAT powerful?

Julie & Suzanne, somewhere in Greece

(Suzanne’s prose is in masculine, aggressive, shouty capitals, to distinguish from my lowercase, gentle, feminine style)

I am lying on the floor, next to a rather gorgeous red-haired woman.  

FLATTERY GETS YOU EVERYWHERE BINDEL.  

We are both breathing deeply, dragging incense-infused air into our lungs. Scented candles light up the room, and the full moon is visible in the darkening sky. The music is gentle, mystical, soothing.  

I CAN’T STAND THAT KIND OF MUSIC, PUTS ME RIGHT OFF MY STROKE.  

Don't worry, I haven't given up feminism to write a pound shop Mills & Boon - rather my friend Suzanne Moore suggested I join her in a yoga session. Not just any old yoga, but a rather spiritual sort, which began with tarot cards and ended with five whole minutes of reflective silence. Anyone that knows me will be fully aware of how resistant I usually am to anything of this nature: I almost consider osteopathy to be hippy quackery. 

WEIRDLY INSTEAD OF DWELLING IN A WORLD OF CHILD ABUSE, MURDER AND VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN, I THOUGHT JULIE WHO WORKS NON-STOP SHOULD YOU KNOW...RELAX. WE WERE ON A HUGE BOAT IN THE SEA. NEAR GREECE OR TURKEY (GEOGRAPHY IS NOT MY STRONG POINT, I LEAVE THAT TO HER). ALSO, I THOUGHT SHE SHOULD HAVE NEW EXPERIENCES.  

But Suzanne is very persuasive. We are on a press trip together, trying out a new experience - a high end cruise around some Greek islands. Obviously, I've also been researching some dark topics whilst floating around the Aegean Sea, but Suzanne, in her new journalistic role as Luxury Spa Correspondent, has made the most of the beauty facilities on board.  

I DON’T KNOW WHY JULIE IS BEING SO DISMISSIVE OF MY LUXE SPA CREDENTIALS. I HAVE SUFFERED ALL OVER THE WORLD. I HAVE BEEN BURNT BY ACUPUNCTURE NEEDLES SET ON FIRE IN CHINA, HAD BY TOE DISLOCATED BY A TINY WOMAN IN KERALA, HAD A LOT OF BLOOD TAKEN OUT MIXED WITH OZONE AND THEN PUT BACK IN – A WEEK ON IV DRIPS IN ROME. AND DON’T EVEN START ME ON DIY COLONICS IN DEVON.  

She calls THIS journalism: Suzanne reporting on detox nonsense, January 2022, Telegraph

Suzanne is claiming to have “accidentally” gone on holiday with me, which I suspect is so a) she can rehash the hilarious line from Withnail and I, and b) if she ended up going home looking like she’d had a wild week in Magaluf, she can tell her family, ‘Bindel made me do it’ . 

YEAH.  

When the invitation came in, from a PR representing a travel agency, to join a load of other hacks on a boat, I hesitated. I’ve never fancied a cruise, and travel writers tend not to be my natural bedfellows. When I travel for a story, it is almost always to report on some atrocity or other. In fact, my niece had an idea for a TV series narrated by me, called ‘Glad You’re Not here?’, a riff on the Judith Chalmers ITV series Wish You Were Here? When I book accommodation on one of the usual sites for a holiday, I am automatically given options of hotels near areas where terrible things happen to women, such as the red light district.  

I HAVE NEVER BEEN ON A CRUISE EITHER. THE VERY IDEA TERRIFIED ME, BEING TRAPPED WITH A LOAD OF STRANGERS AND HAVING TO BE POLITE ALL THE TIME BUT WHEN I KNEW BINDEL WAS  GOING I THOUGHT, ‘HOW CAN THIS NOT BE SOME KIND OF FUN?’ 

There were lots of Germans aboard, and far be it from me to promote a stereotype, they tended to do the beach towel on sun loungers thing, and got in before anyone else when it came to kayaking and cocktail tasting.  

I'd never been away with Suzanne before. It was great being able to talk and remind each other of mad things we had both said and done over the years. “Remember that time you shouted at me because you had to wear high heels,” Suzanne asked me, as we joined the others for dinner.  

Not my legs or shoes

I had forgotten that one of the first times we met, at some Guardian party, I had just been made to wear high heels for 24 hours in order to write about something I'd never done before, and my feet felt like I had walked across broken glass. Why I blamed her I can't recall.  She probably wasn't even wearing them at the time.  

I think she might have asked me why lesbians don’t wear earrings, but to be fair to her, I probably just made that up.   

But nevertheless, as feminists and hacks who refuse to keep quiet about things most people keep quiet about, we have much in common.

THIS IS TRUE. I CANNOT BE BLAMED FOR ALL HETEROSEXUALITY, BUT IT IS PERFECTLY FAIR FOR ME TO MOAN ABOUT ALL THE MAD LESBIANS I HAVE KNOWN. I LIVE IN STOKE NEWINGTON AFTER ALL. 

Yoga is not one of those things. 

I AM NOT INTO YOGA EITHER BUT HAD BECOME SO PHENEMONALY LAZY MOVING FROM DECK TO DINNER AND BACK, I THOUGHT POSSIBLY SOME MOVEMENT MIGHT BE GOOD.  

Neither of us had any interest in climbing up a mountain to see the castle at the top. We looked so worried and distressed at the idea when it was suggested to us by the organiser that he offered to send some kind of Sherpa on ahead of us, carrying water and medical supplies. It was about a 20 minute walk. We declined.  

I THINK THE MAIN PART OF THE ENTERPRISE WAS SEEING UNEXPLORED GREEK ISLANDS. MY CONTRIBUTION WAS LEAVING THEM UNEXPLORED. JUST CALL ME GEORGE MONBIOT. IT WOULD HAVE MEANT GETTING OFF THE BOAT ON WHICH WE WERE WAITED ON HAND AND FOOT, WHICH I HAD NO INCLINATION TO DO. I COULD SEE THE SEA AND THE ISLANDS, WHATEVER THEY WERE FROM THE JACUZZI. THEY LOOKED PRETTY.  

MOST MORNINGS I HAD TO WHATSAPP JULIE TO ASK US WHERE WE WERE, AS IF IT MADE ANY DIFFERENCE TO ME. SOMETIMES THE CAPTAIN WOULD COME AND TALK TO US ABOUT WIND, AND WHEN WE WERE SAILING. AS FAR AS I WAS CONCERNED, WE WERE ALWAYS SAILING. 

I said yes to yoga session, partly because, having done such little exercise, my steps app kept sending me aggressive reminders that I was way below my target before eventually giving up, doubtless assuming I was dead.

THAT WAS THE NEGRONIS, THE CHAMPAGNE PAIRINGS AND THE COCKTAILS THAT HAD SMOKE COMING OUT OF THEM.   

Frances the yoga teacher was an absolute delight. She had given me a manicure and a massage already that week, neither of which I had ever had in my life.

INDEED, I FORCED JULIE INTO THESE TERRIBLE TORTURES. WAS SHE HOLDING OUT AGAINST THEM FOR SOME FEMINIST PRINCIPLES? ONLY THE GODDESS KNOWS. ITS ALL MATERIAL, I HAD TO REMIND HER.  

Suzanne on the other hand was stalking Frances relentlessly, and the poor woman didn't even have chance to lock the door and hide when she heard Suzanne approaching the beauty suite.

WELL OBVIOUSLY.  

Even the Germans couldn’t get their towels on the massage table before Suzanne. 

Appearing at the breakfast table each morning, as quietly as a gazelle in the snow, Frances would ask, “Would anyone like a treatment or class today?” I would try to politely decline, using the “deadline” excuse, but Frances was having none of it. She could see we weren’t stretched work-wise, so she persuaded us to be stretched in other ways. 

THIS IS NOT MY VERSION OF EVENTS, AS I NEVER GOT UP FOR BREAKFAST BECAUSE I WAS ON HOLIDAY.  SORT OF.

This is how I found myself laying on the floor next to Suzanne.

SHE LOVED IT! 

Frances presents a pack of Oracle (similar to Tarot? How would I know?) cards. I chose first. Apparently, I was to listen to my ancestors because I was causing them embarrassment with my behaviour. I needed to ensure they were ‘proud of me’, which of course means to stop making them ashamed. Suzanne’s card told her she was telepathic.

JULIE SEEMED DISTURBED BY HER CARD. MINE WAS ABOUT ACCEPTNG THE UNIVERSE OR SOMETHING, SO I NODDED ALONG.  

Resting on my knees was agony - when I did ‘downward dog’ it was more like rough as a dog. We did press-ups against the wall, ended up in all kinds of poses, and everything creaked. I did it all though.

I LEARNT LOTS OF NEW YOGA POSITIONS FROM JULIE. ONE CALLED “FUCK ME” ANOTHER CALLED “THIS IS GRIM” AND ALSO “JESUS WEPT”.

Then came my finest achievement. I stayed silent during the Savasana (which means Corpse Pose in Sanskrit) and avoided looking at Suzanne. This meant I just about stopped myself from laughing. 

CORPSE WAS THE BEST. WE BOTH MANAGED TO CORPSE BUT THERE WAS A LOT OF LOUD GONGING, ALSO. I HAD ACCEPTED THE UNIVERSE BY THEN BUT WAS ALSO STARVING WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU HAVE THREE MEALS A DAY AS WELL AS AFTERNOON TEA. 

I had laughed - roared, in fact, when the previous day I had fallen out of a speedboat into the sea, and had to be hauled, spatchcock style, by two crew members back on board. Suzanne, who was probably on the massage table at the time, thought it hilarious that a person with a penis was involved in my rescue.

We accidentally had fun together on occasion

I HAD ALREADY SEEN ONE RESCUE WHERE JULIE DIVED OFF THE BOAT AND THEN SEEMED A LONG WAY OUT, AND THEN WATCHED  TWO CREW GO IN WITH A MOTOR BOARD THING AND GET HER. THEY SEEMED TO UNDERSTAND THE CURRENTS IN A WAY, TO PUT IT MILDLY, JULIE DIDN’T.  

It’s even worse than that. I was in the sea because I fancied a swim whilst the boat was anchored. I failed to notice that the current was stronger than I. AGAIN   

Therefore, I was almost in Turkey before I admitted defeat and allowed the boat to come and get me. 

I WISH I HAD A PICTURE OF JULIE’S INNER THIGHS WHERE SHE KEPT SHOWING ME THE BRUISES, THE IMPRINTS OF THE MALE HANDS THAT HAD HAULED HER BACK ONTO THE BOAT. I THINK SHE WAS SECRETLY PROUD OF THEM. JUST AS SHE HAS ARGUED WITH ME ABOUT GETTING DRESSED UP FOR DINNER, BUT SHE DID ACTUALLY LOOK LOVELY IN HER GORGEOUS KAFTANS. PROB A RELIEF TO GET OUT OF LEZZA CLOTHES.  

Back home, I wake in a disorientated state. Where is my oat milk flat white? How come no WhatsApp from Suzanne asking whether the boat is moving, and where are we now? Why is the weather as such that I have to get dressed, put on shoes, and leave my beautiful new kaftans in the wardrobe? Yes, I did a lot of new things on that trip. Thank god I am not having to write it up for the bloody Guardian. 

I FEEL THE SAME. WE HAD A BALL. THE GUARDIAN, SO DISAPPOINTING IN SO MANY WAYS, HAS MISSED YET ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY NOT TO APPOINT JULIE AND ME AS SPECIALIST CRUISE CORRESPONDENTS. 

NO WONDER THE PAPER IS GOING DOWN THE PAN.